Stroller Derby

A few weekends ago, after a few tranquil hours in the lovely hamlet of Cold Spring, Pipistrelle and I headed for the Westchester Mall in White Plains to check out the newest stroller models at a high end baby store called Enfant Terrible. After perusing the selection of Jimmy Choo booties and sitting in the ultra comfortable Herman Miller Aereolon (a lactation chair), we decided to test drive a few of the newest stroller models. While I don't have near the product review chops that Brooklyn Manhattan blogger Daddy Types does, I thought I would summarize my experience to help other expectant parents with this important decision:

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Model: Humbug
MSRP: $4750
Pros: Sturdy construction, excellent safety features
Cons: Fuel expense. No cup holders!
Rating: 8 out of 10

A joint venture between Humvee and Bugaboo, the Humbug is the ultimate in stroller safety and security. It is also the first power assisted stroller, a new category that promises to be very popular if initial orders are any indication. This stroller debuted at a petroleum industry trade show in Dubai in February, and has been available in the Middle East, Southeast Asia and Australia since May.  My initial impression of this buggy was very favorable. It has incredibly sturdy construction and a number of important safety features. Fans of the SUV will be pleased to know that the signature Hummer grill is present with headlights for safer strolling at night. Secure straps and airbags (both front and side impact) are included, which ensure that junior will be well protected in case of a mid sidewalk collision. Security options include a front mounted pepper spray cannon ($265) and a refillable caltrop dispenser ($325) in case of pursuit by undesirables.  I know our neighborhood is relatively safe from a crime statistics standpoint, but you can't put a dollar figure on piece of mind.

I really liked this stroller, but the environmentalist in me just couldn't justify burning the fossil fuel, regardless of how fun it was to drive. Fortunately, the release of the Arnold Schwarzenegger signature series, which includes a hybrid engine, is scheduled for early next year. I just have to mention the too cute promotional poster, which had a "baby" Arnold in the stroller with the caption "Green and Mean."

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Model: Eggway
MSRP: $12,595
Pros: Ideal stroller for newborns
Cons: Tough cornering. Unstylish utility belt.
Rating: 6 out of 10

It was only a matter of time before Dean Kamen, the inventor of the Segway, applied his extraordinary talents to stroller design. Unfortunately, the results are decidedly mixed.

Recent research indicates that the best way to calm newborns is to simulate, as closely as possible, the womb environment. Babies who enjoy this "extended stay" get to sleep faster and stay asleep longer.  Parents can recreate this environment easily indoors through the use of swaddling, low lighting and white noise generators. However, the illusion is abruptly shattered when you have to bounce your bundle of joy about on rough and tumble sidewalks in the harsh light of day. The Eggway solves this problem with its unique nested super-egg design. I was pleased to note that Kamen gives full credit to Danish polymath Piet Hein, the father of the super-egg (aka superellipse) , an ovoid shape with surprising structural properties.  One super-egg capsule (the bassinet) is nested inside another (the frame) through the use of special electromagnets. A segway-like servo motor ensures that the inner capsule is always level relative to flat ground (even going up or down hill) by allowing it to gently rotate inside the frame. The inner capsule is dark, temperature controlled, and the rotating action creates a gentle white noise reminiscent of a mother's beating heart. The propulsion is an engineering marvel. The frame generates a cushion of air beneath itself in much the same way that an air hockey table lifts the puck. The parent can then guide Eggway through the use of a special electromagnetic belt that keeps the stroller at a constant distance in front of the parent. This distance is allegedly adjustable, although I found that with my long legs, I still had to modify my stride at the highest setting. Cornering is also problematic. When you reach a corner, you have to stop and walk in a semicircle to either your left or right, all the while facing the unit. You get the hang of it after awhile, but it looks awkward. The belt itself is bulky and ugly, but it does have built-in cup holders.

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Model: The Wunderkinetopede by Frank Gehry
MSRP: $27,900
Pros: Unfathomable brilliance
Cons: Does not actually function as a stroller
Rating: 4 out of 10

Some neighbors had received one of Tiffany's Frank Gehry baby rattles as a shower gift and just raved about it, so we were intrigued to learn that Gehry had decided to leave his indelible imprint on the stroller market.

Normally I am unsympathetic to the irrational fixation on functionality that plagues the bourgeoisie mind, but even I felt a bit let down when I discovered that the Wunderkinetopede is for visual appreciation only. Rather than actually design a stroller, Gehry, with his customary unfathomable brilliance, opted to instead design the perfect representation of "stroller," an idea which was informed by extensive study of some parents standing in front of him in line at Starbucks. I guess I should have been clued in when I discovered that fully two thirds of the owner's manual dealt with proper room placement and lighting, but it wasn't until I tried to push the floor model and set off some sort of alarm that I learned that the Wunderkinetopede was an objet d'art and not an objet d'use. Despite its beauty, we opted against this model for now, and purchased a Gehry disposable diaper box sculpture ($850) for the nursery instead.

Comments

[greg from daddytypes]

you totally had me on the Gehry rattle.

[rachel]

I wish there was a store called Enfant Terrible. What a great name.

[Dope on the Slippery Slope]

Do they make those (says the guy who just returned from vacation)?

Don't know. I would think there might be a market there for parents who have difficulty walking but still want to push a stroller.

They do have bullet proof cribs though.

[SayUncle]

Power assisted stroller is a heckuva idea. Do they make those (says the guy who just returned from vacation)?