Tips for Urban Living #347: Avoiding Self-imprisonment

You know, it's amazing what we choose to be paranoid about. I used to worry about some villain breaking into our building via the basement. How wrong I was! The basement is in fact an impregnable fortress with two layers of self-locking doors that don't have a prayer of being opened without plastic explosives or a key, as I found out this past Friday.

I also found out that there is some very interesting ironwork on the outer door, which I had almost three hours to admire.

To save you the pain and embarrassment of locking yourself under the stairs (you can get your embarrassment vicariously through me, as many have done throughout my life), I've posted some tips to help you avoid this dire situation.

Enjoy!

TIPSHEET #347

If the locks on your building's basement doors get changed, DO remember to get new keys made. When entering your building's basement to get holiday decorations out of storage, DO remember to bring said keys with you and verify their function from outside the basement. Even if you bring what you believe to be functioning keys, DO throw the deadbolt on the interior door entering the basement so it will not slam and lock behind you. ALWAYS bring a jacket, even if it's warm when you enter the basement. The temperature drops rather quickly after sundown in December. ALWAYS carry your cell phone with you. You never know when it will be useful. If items 1-4 are not heeded, you may find yourself trapped under your stoop. If this happens: DO NOT bang out "S.O.S." in morse code on the radiator pipes with a snow shovel. No one knows morse code anymore, and you'll just waste valuable energy. You might also trigger an unnecessary and expensive plumbing visit that will be billed back to you in your monthly fees. DO NOT attempt to secure your rescue by hissing "hey kid, want to make twenty bucks?" to passing neighborhood children. While this might get some attention, this is not the kind of attention you need. No matter how tempting, DO NOT begin rolling around on the floor, giggling maniacally and talking to yourself in your best Peter Lorre voice. A neighbor will eventually come along and free you - but only if you appear calm and collected.

Comments

[Dupe in the Stoop]

I KNOW how you treat keys

Well... they deserve it.

[JT]

Interesting. I know this really happened, because I KNOW how you treat keys. New rule: Check the ashtray at OCI before entering the basement.

Merry Christmas,

JT