EXCLUSIVE: Ratner's Revised Plan for AY Revealed!

It appears I may have spoken too soon about the potential threat that Ratner's Atlantic Yards project poses to Brooklyn as we know it.

Earlier this afternoon, I was invited to an exclusive unveiling of the latest scale model of the development sponsored by Hubris Labs, a top notch design firm that has been engaged to adjust the project concept to address many of the concerns that have been raised by residents in the surrounding neighborhoods.

This new plan was the result of a community based charette that included a diverse group of FCR employees that plan to visit the area at least once after the arena is completed. To reflect the group's commitment to preserving the essence of the borough, the plan was dubbed the "Brooklyn Will Always Have A Heart, A Home, And Hoops Aplenty" or BWAHAHAHAHA plan.

"Despite the fact that the acronym specifically mentions basketball, we had no pre-conceived notion that the plan would include an arena," asserted possibly non-existent FCR spokesperson Macon U. Paye.

"We really wanted to focus on the needs of the community, not the developers," said Paye. "I think we succeeded admirably, don't you?"

Frankly, I found it hard to argue with him after I reviewed the results pictured below:

Sari Gamova, senior "urban imagineer" for the plan provided a helpful summary of it's main virtues:

 

TRAFFIC:
We understand that traffic is a major concern of local residents and merchants. We have ensured that there will be almost ZERO foot traffic in the surrounding area during events because the subway will empty directly into the arena via an innovative multi-story escalator known as the "sub-a-lator." You won't even know anyone is there.

There are also plans to construct a "Rube Tube" that would shunt all vehicular traffic from New Jersey underneath downtown Brooklyn directly into a huge underground garage and hot-rod museum. Concerns that the clever nickname might offend some Jersey fans were allayed when an exploratory study confirmed that the Garden State was the number one market for "Dukes of Hazzard" re-runs.

"We plan to have a 12 mile mural inside the tube depicting the General Lee and the exploits of Bo and Luke," promised senior FCR marketing consultant Les Ismore. "They'll love it!"

RESPECTING THE SKYLINE:
"We know that the scale of the development is important to a lot of residents and in particular, the Williamsburg Bank, is a treasured element of the Brooklyn skyline," said community liaison Mike Easter.

To mitigate the impact on the skyline, the buildings will be oriented to maximize good Feng Shui for the site. Master Pei Wei Hai of Cleveland will personally oversee the project. He will replace Wei Tu Lo who argued that the height of the new buildings should be limited, and has since left the project to spend more time with family.

The Williamsburg Bank building will also receive a slight makeover to emphasize its commanding presence. While 75% of one face of the venerable landmark will be visible from at least two vantage points in Brooklyn, the folks at FCR felt "Old Willy" could use a little something extra. The building will be painted with a radium compound that was commonly used to illuminate watch dials during the era when the building was completed, which will provide a stunning effect at night.

When asked if the radiation levels were safe, environmental specialist Ima DeForester said "The levels are completely safe. Walking by the bank will be no more dangerous than getting an X-ray."

While I was quite taken with the depth and breadth of the talent reflected by the BWAHAHAHAHA plan, I couldn't help but wonder if the promise of no foot traffic might be seen as a drawback by local merchants.

I put the question to Robin Coffers, FCR's Senior Vice President of Community Enrichment.

"This project will be nothing but a BOON to local business owners," said Coffers.

"First, the concessions at the arena will feature products that can only be obtained in Brooklyn," she continued. "Products like 'Brooklyn Nets Pepsi,' 'Brooklyn Nets Doritos,' etc."

"Second, if you want economic activity, you have to make people feel safe about the area. People will avoid anything strange or unfamiliar. Don't take offense, but 'Uncle Louie G's' sounds vaguely threatening. We need brand name chains and franchises to attract sophisticated consumers to Brooklyn. This will help the borough overcome its reputation as a haven for crack dealers and slavery rings."

Maybe it's time to give Ratner's plan a second look.

Comments

[aaron]

genius.

[dailyheights.com]

>Someone should start a satirical publication chronicling the Brooklyn "renaissance" through a developer's eyes.

Looks like you've already started one.

[lobbygow]

Thanks. Your site was an inspiration of course.

Someone should start a satirical publication chronicling the Brooklyn "renaissance" through a developer's eyes. There are so many projects going on right now, but no one is looking at the big picture and what it means for our future.

A majority of the people I know still can't find Atlantic Yards on a map, and have no idea what's being proposed for Gowanus, Williamsburg, Coney Island, Red Hook, et. al.

How to get the word out?

[Ratnerville]

this is very funny!